Auf der Suche nach der Taufe

Hello, I am an American Expat living now permanently in Germany. I've come to a recent understanding of the nature and requirement of the sacrament of baptismal regeneration to fully enter into Christ's Church and receive the Holy Spirit proper.

The only problem is I can't find anyone to baptize me. The true Church, that is the Holy Catholic Church has been infiltrated by imposters and Apostates alike. "Priests" and "bishops" cater to modernism and the prescriptions of the diabolical Vatican II council which succeeded in gutting the true Church and Monasteries and leading many of the laity onto the broad path of destruction.

I am seeking an honest layperson of the faith in order to administer to me the rite of baptism as described in the Baltimore Catechism. In actuality, even a heretic could perform this procedure, if done with the proper intent and utterance of words. Either way, this is preferable than spending months in RCIA or any other program, committing nonsensical time to broken rites such as the Novus Ordo false rite of communion or even worse, some sort of protestant program (no offense if you're protestant, but I'll still welcome a baptism from you).

If anyone can help me with this endeavor, please feel to message me.